Living in the Unknown Zone

Sorry for the long delay in posting. My website has been under construction, and we've had some trouble not only moving this blog but also converting it and all the old posts to Wordpress. We should be up and running on a regular basis again soon.

While my web master and I have been struggling with an unknown problem that has stopped me from being able to import all my Blogger posts to Wordpress -- and I surely don't want to leave all those old posts behind, I've also been struggling with the unknown in terms of my son. My last post was about him as well. Only then, we were getting his little light to shine. Now his light is dim again, but this time because he has been sick with an unknown illness. First we thought it was viral...then bacterial...then viral...then bacterial...then viral...now bacterial again. He went to camp -- his favorite thing in all the world besides dancing -- only to have to come home after 8 days and 3 days in the infirmary. He was home for 8 days, one of which was spent in the hospital. We even had a moment or more of thinking he might need surgery. Then, suddenly he was back at camp and seemed fine. Six days later, he was back home and sick again.

He rises with no fever. Then his temperature goes up. His eyes are red. His hands and feet have peeled. He has had pain in his hip. He has had a cough -- it came, it went, it came again. We've seen an orthopedic doctor. We've seen an infectious disease specialist. It's a mystery. We've done blood work, x-rays, MRIs. Nothing...well, a little anemia...then that was gone. A little problem with his kidneys...nothing to worry about. A little something called rickettsia, but we were told that wasn't the problem. Now he's being treated for microplasma with an antibiotic. His cough is better; his fever is higher.

As a mother, I spend my days and nights worried. I'm living in the unknown zone. It's unknown, because I've never been here before. It's unknown, because we don't know what my son has. It's unknown, because from day to day we don't know what my son's symptoms will be like.

And all I want is for my child to be healthy. I wanted him to go back to camp and enjoy his time there. He did. He came back sick. Now I want him healthy so he can start dancing again. I want him to be able to let his light shine. I want him to be okay...healthy, vibrant, able to do whatever he wants.

My sister has a daughter who has been ill since she was 11. She's 24 years old. They have diagnosed her with all sorts of ailments and diseases. No one has found the original source of her problems. No I understand what my sister and my niece have been going through. They have been living in the unknown zone for 13 years. I don't know how they have stood it.

I hate not knowing. And at times like these, although I pray, I have a hard time trusting. Fear finds a way to wiggle in to my mind and heart. And then I worry. I hate to worry. Worry does no good and creates no good. I try to be positive, to create with my thoughts, to do all I can to manifest answers and healing. But not knowing is so very difficult.

So, I can only see this time here in the unknown zone as a lesson in patience and trust. I have to trust the doctor to figure out what is wrong with my son. I have to trust that all of this has happened for a reason, including my son missing camp. I have to trust that not knowing right now in this moment is okay. I have to trust that soon I will know...that answers will come. I have to trust God...and not lose my faith.

Of Narrow Places and Miracles...Using the Energy of Passover

I've been living in a few narrow places. That's what the Hebrew word for Egypt, Mitzrayyim, means. Narrow Place. When Passover comes along we have to look at where in our lives we've struggled with our own narrow places. I don't have to look far this year to see mine.

My husband has been without a job for several months. That represented a very narrow place. Living in California with not much money in a savings account and a huge mortgage and very little income definitely made us feel as if we were being squeezed from all sides. However, this week he began a new job. The possibility of a job and then the job offer felt like the Red Sea parting. Negotiations and waiting for the deal to be sealed represented the crossing on dry land with the waters threatening to descend at any moment. And now we are standing on the other shore looking backward and looking forward, able to heave a sigh of relief, to take a deep breath and move forward once again.

Our relationship has suffered in the process, my husband's and mine. He has lost his faith. Mine has been strengthened. I married a man with whom I thought I'd always share a spiritual path. Now, I'm not sure we will ever share that path again. This place in our 20-year marriage feels like a narrow one. I feel I'm living in Mitzrayyim, not necessarily enslaved but restricted, unable to express myself fully, unable to share totally, unable to open myself with abandon to the man I love. I feel squeezed, as if sometimes it's hard to breath in my relationship. I stand at the edge of the sea hoping for a miracle. All I have right now is the promise that my husband will work on some of his issues and my promise to try and move forward together despite our differences in beliefs and approaches to life. I can't yet see the other shore. I'm willing to walk into the water, like Nachshon, who walked into the sea when it didn't part for Moses and whose faith brought about the miracle that saved the Israelites. I have faith that it will part, but I don't know what I'll find on the other side of the sea. I wish Moses' staff and God's will would create a miracle for me and return my husband's faith. I don't want to walk to the other side alone. I know God will be with me, but it's human companionship I desire as well.

I've been in a narrow place at work as well, feeling restricted by the publishing world's requirements and lack of time and support to do what my agents and publishers require for me to achieve my own goals. I've felt that I couldn't do what I wanted in the way I wanted and at the time I wanted. I was ready to change directions, to tell the literary agent I sought for so long that I had to follow my heart and find another agent that would take my project and run with it now, right now. And then the water parted before my eyes, and my agent agreed to take on my project and to help me find a publisher for it. A miracle. Now I just needed to get to the other side of the sea.

I find myself in a new narrow place between one shore and another. (Do they just follow one after the other?) I am afraid to move forward with this project that lies so close to my heart. (This narrow place is of my own making. It exists in my mind. It's the "Not Good Enough" thought that underlies so much of what I do and that holds me back. Do you have that thought?) I'm afraid to put myself out there. I have to speak my truth, and I am afraid. I know this narrow place. I know this fear. It has stopped me often, but I know that it is the trepidation that comes when I am on the right path, the path I am meant to take. This time, I must enter the water myself and create the miracle. I must move through my fear and towards my highest purpose. As I do, the water will part and my path will become clear. Then I'll find myself on the other shore, free, unrestricted, liberated, and successful. When I can fulfill my purpose, write my book and have it published, I will feel the expansion of who I am -- to myself and to others. (Not that I couldn't use another miracle. Not that a little Divine help wouldn't be nice in the area of finding a publisher and a publishing contract and an advance.) I'll keep walking with faith that on the other side the other miracle awaits.

Narrow places. How well I know them. How freeing it is to move beyond them. Miracles. Lovely to experience and to create.

Do you know your Mitzrayyim? Do you know how to squeeze out of your narrow place and into a more expansive place? Passover is just a week away...Use the energy of the holiday to help you create your own miracle of liberation. I'll be liberating myself, praying for miracles while walking, step by step, into the water, my faith helping bring those miracles into my life. I hope you will be doing the same.

Co-Creation at Its Worst?

Ever wonder about co-creation? I don’t mean the type of co-creation we do with God. I mean the kind we do with the people in our lives. I’ve been wondering about it a lot lately.

My husband is going through a rough patch. He’s between jobs and doing consulting here and there. It’s a stressful situation, and, understandably, it doesn’t make him feel great. Despite the fact that he and I have traveled the spiritual path together for many years, and he and I learned about conscious creation, creative thought, Law of Attraction – whatever you want to call it – long ago, he tends to stop believing when things aren’t going so well. He loses faith. And when he loses faith, he tends to think a lot of negative thoughts. Given that I believe our thoughts are, indeed, creative, I have a problem with that. I don’t want his negative thoughts manifesting in my life. Yet, we share a life.

Do we, therefore, co-create the bad things that might show up in our shared life, or does he create them and I simply deal with them (and vice versa)? I know that if I worry about him creating them, I help create them. I’ve been angry about him moping around the house feeling like a victim and telling me how nothing good ever happens to him and how it “just figures” that bad things happen to him. Feeling that way doesn’t open me up to creating good things or receiving them either. So, I guess I do co-create negatively with him on some levels and in some ways.

I was on the phone with my mastermind group today, and I mentioned my issues with my husband (since the group of women happen to be some of my best friends in the world), and one of the women asked me how I was handling the situation. I said, “I just keep focusing on what I want to create and on what’s working in my life. That makes me feel better.”

You see, I know that when I feel good, I open myself up to the Divine flow of goodness available to me. I open myself up to receive what I desire. When we feel negative emotions, we close down and don’t allow ourselves to receive. We become disconnected from the Divine flow of goodness that is normally available to us.

I also know that when I focus my attention on what I want, I am likely to create it. (The same, of course, goes for focusing attention on what I don’t want.) And when I focus on what’s working, I get more of what’s working.

Maybe by doing these things I simply counterbalance my husband’s negative thinking, thereby not allowing anything bad or good to happen in our shared lives. I suppose that’s a better co-creation than some others! I’ll take it over co-creating something I don’t want!

If I focus harder than he does on what I really do want and open myself up to receiving by feeling really great and knowing in my body that all is well and that only good is coming to me, I might put so much energy into creating something positive that I negate his negative thoughts and create something positive. I suppose that wouldn’t be co-creation, would it? It would be worth creating though…

So, I guess I do believe we co-create, that what others manifest affects me and my life to some extent even if it is not something I may have consciously wanted to manifest for myself. And maybe that’s part of the Divine plan or our own individual Divine plan. Maybe that’s part of being in relationship. Maybe learning how to co-create on the physical plane simply represents part of the human experience.

Gam Zu L'Tova

I haven’t posted a bog in ages. Actually, I posted many a blog in November, just not in this blog. (Check out writenonficinnov.blogspot.com.) I was blogged out after that and couldn't bring myself to blog in December. Now I’m not so blogged out, and I’m ready to blog again.

Much has happened. My husband lost his job. I missed out on two really big radio interviews. We put our little somewhat feral kitty to sleep. My daughter's panic attacks have continued, maybe even worsened.

Oh, some good things have happened, too. We went to New York for a Thanksgiving family reunion. I received a tithe check from a church where I often speak. One of my book projects is being considered by a publishing house.

But somehow, it’s those bad things that are stuck in my head, and with them comes my struggle with a Kabbalistic teaching: Gam zu l’tovah. This, too, is for the best.

Sometimes it’s really hard to see why something that happens to us is for the best, at least in the moment when it is happening to us. When we look backwards after a time, often it’s easier to understand how that event was for the best, how it got us to a new – possibly better – place we might not have made it to otherwise. It’s harder to see these things when you are still so close to them, when you are still living them.

Now, I can see to some extent why my husbands lost job was for the best, but, on the other hand, I still have a hard time mustering clear vision on this particular event. He hated that job. It made him miserable. He needed to be out job hunting, and he wasn’t going to put his whole heart and all his effort into finding a new job as long as he stayed in that job. So, losing the job was a good thing. However, with no job, we, as a family, find ourselves in financial peril. I have a hard time seeing that as a good thing. Mind you, he’s doing some contract consulting work, which will keep us going for a while and gives him a feel for doing consulting work, but the fact that he doesn’t have a steady income represents a scary reality for us. Contract work only lasts so long. Our financial situation wasn’t so great before he lost his job, and he isn’t making as much as he was when he held down a full-time job. Plus, in the meantime, all my work has dried up as well leaving us, once again, dependent on his salary. It’s difficult to see this as a good thing.

It’s harder for me to see anything good about me missing two radio interviews. I could rationalize that I wasn’t ready for them. I almost paid for some media training for the second one – a great opportunity to be on a BBC World News talk show, but I didn’t because of my husband’s job situation. I was waiting for the interview to actually be scheduled – which never happened – before committing to the training. (Surprise, surprise. Anyone who knows anything about conscious creation (LOA) knows that I wasn’t focused on the interview happening but on it not happening. I didn’t trust that it would come true. I didn’t have faith.) I suppose that it could be a good thing the interview didn’t come through, because maybe without the media training I would have made a fool out of myself. After the first missed interview, my agent said, “Something better will come along,” and it did…and then it went away. I don’t yet see the good in that. Maybe one day I will. Maybe the BBC will call me up to speak about a topic I would prefer to speak on. As my husband said, “At least now they know who you are.” That is a good thing, but an interview under my belt would have been better. I wish my vision was clearer on this one.

As for putting the little kitty to sleep, I suppose the good in that was that we put her out of her misery – she was sick and possibly suffering at that point. And we then committed to the other kitty that had adopted us and totally adopted her. We took her for her vaccinations and allowed her to sleep in the house at night. Now we have a pet. We lost our dog last year and were left with these two cats – one feral and one our neighbor’s that decided she liked our house better. Now she is ours (Our neighbor is happy about that, by the way.), and we have a pet again.

I sometimes wonder about my books – why they haven’t yet been published. I suppose this too is for the best. I’ll understand why eventually. Maybe I haven’t really figured out how best to write them, what approach to take. Maybe as the years have gone by my perspective has changed enough to significantly improve how I will write them. Maybe for one of my projects that had a publisher and then lost a publisher the first one wasn’t the right one; this one considering the manuscript might be perfect. Maybe I didn’t have the time then to do what it would take to market and promote my books. Now my kids are older and I’ll have a bit more time. While I still find it hard to see how this is for the best, I can refocus my vision and find the good if I try.

I’ve wondered about my daughter – why she had to experience her best friend’s suicide last summer and now suffers from panic attacks. How could that be for good? I suppose one day we’ll know. Maybe she’ll help other people who lose friends to suicide. Maybe it will stop her from ever committing suicide herself. Maybe the fact that she has had to go into counseling for her attacks will giver her insight into herself she wouldn’t have otherwise gained at all or wouldn’t have gained until she was much older. It’s hard, though, to understand how a 15-year-old having to suffer such a tragedy can be for the best.

The issue, I believe, revolves around having faith even when we can’t know the reasons why something happens to us or to others. Faith requires trust. When we have faith, we don’t have to “see it to believe it.” We just believe it. We trust. We don’t have to understand it to believe it either. We just do. We have faith. And so, the Kabbalists said we must have faith that everything is happening just as it is supposed to happen. No matter what befalls us, we must trust that “gam zu l’tovah.” And one day, maybe the reason why will be revealed to us. Ken yehe ratzon. (May it be God’s will.)

Out of the Darkness Comes Light

Sometimes it’s difficult to have hope and faith. In the fact of my daughter’s best friend’s suicide, it seems nothing makes sense and the world appears dark and dreary and full of unfulfilled dreams. Hope and faith have left me like the breath left this young man. Me – Ms. Positive Thinker – suddenly feels drawn into the depth of depression and negative thoughts. And as my thoughts go, so does my ability to manifest what I desire.

I’ve seen the product of this week’s malaise clearly this week. My work seems at a standstill. Most possibilities of success have disappeared. I’m questioning who I am, what I am and what I do.

I was working on changes for my web site, and I suddenly thought to myself, “Does this represent who you are at all? Maybe it is time to get really clear about who you are.” But who am I? I don’t know right now.

Maybe what I am most at this moment is simply a mother, distraught over the pain my daughter finds herself coping with as she faces life without her dearest friend, a mother torn by the grief and despair of another mother whose son senselessly took his life leaving her behind to wonder why and to deal with her loss.

And I’m a writer. So, it’s time to begin writing again. It’s time to go back to my roots. It’s time to be the person I do know I am, to do what I know I can do adn do well.

I’ve been so caught up in doing all the things the publishing industry requires me to do in order to get published that I’ve stopped doing what I do best – writing. And I’ve been so caught up in the desire to publish a book that I’ve stopped seeing how I can influence and help others by using my journalistic ability to write articles.

Plus, in my attempt to get my own work published, I’ve stopped focusing on my ability to help other writers get published. I’ve turned away non-fiction editing work that would not only have allowed me to give the gift of a finished manuscript to another writer, which allows them to help others, but to help my family stay out of the financial hole in which we now find ourselves.

I was told that I could be the Suze Orman of Jewish women’s spirituality. Is that who I want to be? I’m not sure. I’m not creating that reality, that’s for sure, and that begs the question, “Am I not creating it, because it is not my path and my destiny?” Or “Am I not creating it, because I’m not applying the principles I know and teach? Do I need to practice what I preach?” Or “Am I not creating it, because it isn’t really what I want?” I don’t have the answers.

The only thing I know at this moment is that I don’t know. I don’t totally understand. The senseless loss of life has left me – and my husband – reevaluating who we are, how we live our lives and where we are going in this life time. I suppose that’s good. Of course, something good comes from everything – even tragedies – even if we can’t see that good initially. At least we have to trust and hope that this is so.

It this event has offered me a chance to give – to give support to the bereaved mother and her family, to give support to my child and to give advice to those trying to console their grieving children. I've wanted to move into a place of giving – and of recieving in order to give – and this has offered me that opportunity. Again something good comes from something bad.

May all affected by this tragedy find that little bit of light in the darkness and may it grow little by little until their lives are filled with light once again.