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Living in the Unknown Zone

Sorry for the long delay in posting. My website has been under construction, and we've had some trouble not only moving this blog but also converting it and all the old posts to Wordpress. We should be up and running on a regular basis again soon.

While my web master and I have been struggling with an unknown problem that has stopped me from being able to import all my Blogger posts to Wordpress -- and I surely don't want to leave all those old posts behind, I've also been struggling with the unknown in terms of my son. My last post was about him as well. Only then, we were getting his little light to shine. Now his light is dim again, but this time because he has been sick with an unknown illness. First we thought it was viral...then bacterial...then viral...then bacterial...then viral...now bacterial again. He went to camp -- his favorite thing in all the world besides dancing -- only to have to come home after 8 days and 3 days in the infirmary. He was home for 8 days, one of which was spent in the hospital. We even had a moment or more of thinking he might need surgery. Then, suddenly he was back at camp and seemed fine. Six days later, he was back home and sick again.

He rises with no fever. Then his temperature goes up. His eyes are red. His hands and feet have peeled. He has had pain in his hip. He has had a cough -- it came, it went, it came again. We've seen an orthopedic doctor. We've seen an infectious disease specialist. It's a mystery. We've done blood work, x-rays, MRIs. Nothing...well, a little anemia...then that was gone. A little problem with his kidneys...nothing to worry about. A little something called rickettsia, but we were told that wasn't the problem. Now he's being treated for microplasma with an antibiotic. His cough is better; his fever is higher.

As a mother, I spend my days and nights worried. I'm living in the unknown zone. It's unknown, because I've never been here before. It's unknown, because we don't know what my son has. It's unknown, because from day to day we don't know what my son's symptoms will be like.

And all I want is for my child to be healthy. I wanted him to go back to camp and enjoy his time there. He did. He came back sick. Now I want him healthy so he can start dancing again. I want him to be able to let his light shine. I want him to be okay...healthy, vibrant, able to do whatever he wants.

My sister has a daughter who has been ill since she was 11. She's 24 years old. They have diagnosed her with all sorts of ailments and diseases. No one has found the original source of her problems. No I understand what my sister and my niece have been going through. They have been living in the unknown zone for 13 years. I don't know how they have stood it.

I hate not knowing. And at times like these, although I pray, I have a hard time trusting. Fear finds a way to wiggle in to my mind and heart. And then I worry. I hate to worry. Worry does no good and creates no good. I try to be positive, to create with my thoughts, to do all I can to manifest answers and healing. But not knowing is so very difficult.

So, I can only see this time here in the unknown zone as a lesson in patience and trust. I have to trust the doctor to figure out what is wrong with my son. I have to trust that all of this has happened for a reason, including my son missing camp. I have to trust that not knowing right now in this moment is okay. I have to trust that soon I will know...that answers will come. I have to trust God...and not lose my faith.

This Little Light of Mine...Let it Shine.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine." Do you remember that song?

I was thinking about it last night and told my son that he needed to sing it every day as his theme song. We've been talking about when he let his "light become dim." He's my dancer, and he used to get on stage and shine so brightly you couldn't take your eyes off of him. Then something happened, and he turned the dimmer switch. Maybe it's a developmental stage or maybe he was trying too hard to fit in at school -- to be like everyone else despite the fact that he is so different. In any case, something caused his light to dim, and now he's finding the dimmer switch kind of stuck. He's working on loosening it up and getting his light to brighten up a bit again.

Have you ever felt like that, like you've dimmed your light for some reason? I surely have. Sometimes I think I've dimmed mine to not outshine my husband. Sometimes I think I've dimmed it simply so people won't see the real me and, like my son, think I different and, therefore, not like me. Sometimes I think I turn my light off rather than be seen, because it's easier to remain hidden in the dark than to shine my light and be seen and to be judged -- to have someone say I'm not good enough.

There are lots of reasons to dim our lights. I'm tired of having my dimmer switch on. In fact, I think I'll tear mine out and put in a simple on/off switch. I'm going to suggest that to my son, too. What about you?

Then I think I'll get some good ol' Duck Tape and make sure my switch is taped into the "on" position.

You know why? Because it's time for this little light of mine to shine...and I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

If you all join me, imagine what a bright world this would be.

I'm Back wtih Post Shavuot Thoughts

After more than a one month absence, I’m back…sort of. I feel a bit like I’m only half here, since my life seems just a bit crazy still. You see, while I teach people how to live life fully, mine has just a bit over full lately and totally unbalanced. I admit it; all I’ve been doing is working.

Since I last blogged, I’ve reorganized and republished my Kabbalah of Conscious Creation booklet. I’ve prepared for a trip to Chicago, where I gave two talks and led one workshop. While there I did manage to visit two friends, whom I stayed with and another woman I knew and whose horses I used to ride. (I visited my favorite horse, too.) I also recorded a CD of meditations. I came back home to finish writing a book proposal and two articles and to finish helping my new webmaster totally redesign my website. And there have been small projects interspersed within these bigger ones.

My husband has also been traveling – even while I was in Chicago – and my kids have gotten sick (me, too), and my son has graduated from middle school, and we’ve had a huge wildfire near our house, and we’ve had some yard work done. The house, as you might imagine, is a mess inside and out. Thank goodness, my husband is still working at his new, new job, as I like to call it (the one he accepted after he accepted and the resigned from the other new job), so I can finally hire my every-other-week housekeeper to come back and help me clean up the mess inside the house.

All this to say, I’m sorry for disappearing for a month, but something had to go. The blog turned out to be that something. But now I’m back. But…

I missed Shavuot, the holiday when we celebrate receiving the Torah on Mt. Sinai. I was hoping to get around to writing this blog on Monday so I could say something about the holiday, but now it’s past. With my book, The Kabbalah of Conscious Creation about receiving as well as giving, it seemed appropriate.

Instead, I received information to help me open to receiving on Monday. That seemed appropriate. I had a session with a woman who is clairvoyant and does energy work from a distance. She helped me clear some old issues that were blocking me. Interestingly, it took me back to a past life with an old boyfriend. (Hi, Eddie…) Who would have thought not being chosen in this life time would relate to being chosen in another? Or that either of these incidents would some how be affecting my ability to have my work chosen by a publisher? Well, according to this woman, it was all energetically tied together. And in the process of going back over my teenage years and my relationship with this young man, I received an understanding that previously had evaded me. I received an understanding I didn’t even know I needed to have.

I also let go of a piece of my past, making room for something new to enter – a little bit of future.

And, interestingly, this information I received did tie in to Shavuot. For on that day when the Israelites were given the Torah, they truly became the so-called Chosen People, entering into a covenant with God. And as I was told, I, too, on this awesome holiday, was asking to be chosen, opening myself up to being chosen, and allowing my work to be chosen.

My book, which I released in its proposal form to my agent after my session that afternoon so some publisher might choose it and me, will offer readers a way to open to receiving. In fact, it also offers me a way of opening to receiving. And in my session, I was reminded that sometimes we have to open our hands (stop controlling) in order to receive. And sometimes we have to let what is in our hands go so that something else we want can be placed there instead.

So, I guess in a kind of round about way I’m writing about Shavuot after all. I’ve rambled a bit here and there, wandered like the Israelites in the desert, but I think I feel I’ve gotten clarity in the last month and begun to see my path a bit more clearly. After finishing the proposal, I see where I am going with my book project. I see my work clearly. On another front, I see the need for balance in my life clearly. I know where I’m going. I’ve received helpful information, and I’m open to receiving more. I’m also ready to be chosen for the task I desire to take on.

They say that all Jewish souls in existence today were at Mt. Sinai when the Israelites were given the Torah. Maybe that’s why this feeling feels so familiar.

Israeli Independence Day -- A Four Worlds Approach

Today, Israel turns 60! My father helped her gain her independence, serving first in the British army as an officer and later in the first Israeli army. In fact, my maiden name, and the name I use for business (Amir) was a name he selected just after Israel's independence was declared and the officers of that first Israeli army were asked to take on Israel, rather than European, names. (His name was actually Rottman.) My mother also served in the Israeli army. My sister was born a Sabra in an Independent Israel. Besides my immediate family -- two sisters and my mother -- the rest of my family lives in Israel. So, I feel almost (not quite) as connected to this day almost as Israelis themselves.

My wish for Israel on this, her 60th birthday, is that she find peace. In light of that wish, I offer my interpretation of the most important Jewish prayer, the Sh'ma. "Sh'ma" means "listen" or "Hear."

Listen and hear, all of you who struggle to understand how we are all connected to the same God: The spark of God within you (and in others) and the flame of God that is all around you and in everything, it all comes from and returns to the same fire of God -- the original Source, one and the same.

May Israel today be blessed that all her people -- Jew and Arab alike -- reacha place of peaceful understanding and cohabitation despite differences of opinion and religious belief.

Additionally, in 2003, I wrote an anothology piece for Living Words V, A Source Book on Israel in a Time of Struggle, which was published by Sh'ma. I'd like to offer you a bit of that essay, which was meant to offer people a way to celebrate Israeli Independance Day, Yom Ha'Atzmaut, as a spiritual as well as a secular holiday. Maybe you'll find some of it useful today.

I created a “four worlds approach” to observing Yom Ha’Atzmaut, and each year I now invited friends over to observe the holiday with me in this manner. Beginning with Assiya, the world of doing, we select a charity that helps Israel. We place our contributions into a tzedakkah can and the money is later sent to that charity.

Combining this with B'riah, the world of thinking, we acknowledge that the Messianic Age has not yet come and discuss Israel current situation. We brainstorm solutions and action plans for peace.

We then move on to Yetzirah, the world of emotion, acknowledging our feelings about Israel, peace, God, and miracles. Some people bring articles, poems or essays on these subjects to read to the group.

Each guest brings to the celebration something that reminds them of Israel, such as a tallit purchased in Jerusalem or a piece of Israeli jewelry, and explains to the group why it connects them to Israel.

Afterward we join hands, close our eyes and move into Atzilut, the world of being and Divine connection, praying together: “Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu, ruach ha olam, Blessed are you God, our God, Spirit of the Universe, who gave us the Holy Land, Israel, home of our ancestors, home of all Jews even those residing outside its borders. Bless the state of Israel, the land of Israel, the people of Israel. May its borders know peace, its inhabitants tranquillity, and may the faith in our religion, the bonds of our shared heritage, and the wisdom of our tradition unite all Jews and become a source of light, strength and peace for all the world.”

We each offer our own blessings for Israel and the Jewish people. “Yevarech’ekha, may you, Israel be blessed with ____,” completing the prayer individually.

This done, we continue with a meditation: Remember the miracle of this day. The small, tired, ill-armed Jewish army defending its new homeland…and winning despite the odds. God gave the soldiers strength. Think of a time when you experienced a miracle…Think of a time when you felt God’s presence in your life...

Imagine yourself as a Jewish exile returning to Israel. How does it feel to know you always can come home to Israel? How does it feel to know a prophecy has been fulfilled…to be one step closer to the Messianic Age? Feel your hope for and faith in the promise of peace. Feel peace within yourself…Feel it radiating outward as you and God co-create peace…

We end by reciting, “Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu ruach ha-olam, shehasa nisim la-avoteinu ul'imoteinu bayamim haheim ba-z’man hazeh. We praise you, Eternal God, Spirit of the universe. You showed wonders to and performed miracles for our fathers and mothers in days of old at this season.”

I conclude my Yom Ha’Atzmaut observance with a seudat mitzvah, a ritual meal, consisting of Israeli produce, foods, flowers, and wines. Afterward, my guests and I enjoy Israeli songs and dances.

Thus, my kavanah, my intention, of observing Israel’s Independence Day in a meaning-full and spirit-full manner is realized. Now, each year I celebrate Yom Ha’Atzmaut not only as a commemoration of a secularly significant event but as a religiously and spiritually significant one as well.

Happy Birthday, Yisrael!

Affirmations of Action and My Response Column

Back in the days when I was training to become a rebirther and was enrolled in a variety of workshops and classes offered the Loving Relationships Training, which is still run by Sondra Ray, I learned about something called my "response column."

Typically, when writing affirmations -- you know, those positive statements meant to help create change in yourself on a subconscious level -- we would include one column on the page for the affirmation itself and then another column for our "response" to the affirmation. That response represented the first thought we had to the positive statement we had just written.

For example, if I wrote the affirmation, "I, Nina, now experience perfect health," in my response column I might write, "But I have a headache." I would then write the affirmation again, and my response might then be, "Yeah, right, that's why I get at least three colds every year." You get the idea.

Why bother with a response column? It might seem that, contrary to the point of the exercise, instead of focusing on the positive you're actually focusing on the negative thoughts. Actually, by using affirmations with a response column, you allow your negative thoughts to surface. You acknowledge them and continue with the affirmation, effectively replacing the negative thoughts with the positive ones until eventually -- after days, weeks, sometimes months -- your response column begins to fill with positive responses, like, "Yes, that's true," and "I do, indeed, enjoy perfect health."

Sometimes, however, when we are making changes in our lives or doing things that push the envelop of that with which we feel comfortable, the world around us becomes our response column. Lately, that's been the case for me.


Recently, I pushed forward with a project of mine and managed to convince my literary agent to take on my Kabbalah of Conscious Creation book. As my literary agent left for New York City last Friday morning to begin a month of meeting with editors at publishing houses that will conclude with a trip to Los Angeles to attend the Book Expo America, where he will meet with more editors and publishers for several days, the possibility of my dream becoming a reality took hold. My positive action -- my affirmation of action, as Stuart Wilde likes to call it, began to develop a response column. The world began to bring me evidence of my negative thoughts. You see, although I want my book to be published, having it out in the world in a big way (and me with it) brings up some fear, especially given the book's topic -- generally speaking, it's about the Law of Attraction from a Jewish mystical perspective.

Every day I affirm through my actions that this book will be written with integrity and honesty and my highest desire to serve. Yet, in response, what have I most recently received? First, I received a package of articles written and published in newspapers and magazines by a rabbi adamantly opposed to the type of book I'm proposing to write. I'll just mention that I received these articles from him because a friend suggest that I write to him and ask to speak at his synagogue. He didn't get past the one topic related to my book (I have lots more) before he sent me a somewhat nasty email and then these articles, which discussed how horrible it is for unknowledgeable New Agey people (Like me?) to write about "energy" Kabbalah (Is that what I'm doing?). Needless to say, he declined to have me speak to his congregation.

I also received an article sent to my by my agent and published in the New York Times Magazine, which was written by someone who went to the Kabbalah Center and had some not so nice (and some nice) things to say about it's brand of Judaism and Jewish mysticism. (Most people I know and respect don't have anything good to say about the Center either...) I've never been there, but I admit I have some of their books. My feelings about them are mixed.

And I'm left staring at my response column -- It even shown up in written form! -- and wondering what to do with it. Well, actually, I know what to do with it. I will acknowledge that what has appeared simply represents my negative thoughts ("I'll be judged for my beliefs and thoughts." "Those I respect will judge me negatively." "People won't like me for who I am and what I believe and what I write.") And I'll continue making affirmations of action. I'll continue writing and moving forward with this project.

Today, I reorganized my booklet on the same subject and contacted another expert to ask for help. Yesterday, I worked a little on my book proposal. I've decided to write an introduction addressing some of these issues to put them out in the open. Soon, you'll see a new blog, which I've been creating, on the subject of the book and with the same title, The Kabbalah of Conscious Creation.

And you know what? Just before I finished this blog, I checked in on a Beliefnet forum (Kabbalah and Jewish Mysticism) to see if anyone had commented on something I'd written there. Lo and behold, someone told me they thought the work I was doing was wonderful! A positive response from the universe...

I guess that response column exercise worked well. It only took about a week to clear out the negative thoughts and to replace them with positive ones!

A Month Packed with Holidays: Lag B’Omer and Shavuot

Two important Jewish holidays fall during the month of May: Lag b’Omer and Shavuot. However, the first is often overlooked by less observant Jews – and it is little understood by many. Maybe because many have found it hard to figure out what it’s really about.

I like the first holiday, Lag b'Omer, probably because it has a Kabbalistic bent and her in California my renewal group celebrates it with a bonfire on the beach and lots of drumming and singing and dancing. Most commonly, we are told that Lag b’Omer, which is celebrated this year on May 23, joyously commemorates great sage and mystic Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai’s yahrzeit (anniversary of his passing). Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, who lived in the 2nd century of the Common Era, was the first to publicly teach the mystical dimension of the Torah known as the "Kabbalah," and is proportedly theauthor of the basic work of Kabbalah, the Zohar.

Why would we celebrate his death with festivities? On the day of his passing, after revealing many deep secrets of the Torah to his students, Rabbi Shimon instructed his disciples to mark the date as "the day of my joy." Also, the Chassidic masters explain that the final day of a righteous person's earthly life marks the point at which "all his deeds, teachings and work" achieve their culminating perfection and the zenith of their impact upon our lives. So, each Lag b’Omer we celebrate Rabbi Shimon's life, teachings and the influence they have had on so many people.

Many of those who live in Israel may visit Rabbi Shimon’s resting place in Miron on this, the 33rd day of the Counting of the Omer. According to the Torah (Vayikra, Parshat Emor, 23:15-16), we are obligated to count the days from the second night of Pesach to the day before Shavuot, seven full weeks. These 49 days represent the 49 days of preparation from the exodus from Egypt the receiving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai on the seventh day of Sivan. The Counting of the Omer is a lovely yearly tradition that takes you from Passover to Shavuot in a Kabbalistic, spiritual and deeply personal manner.

I like what Rachel Barenblatt, “The Velveteen Rabbi” (check out her blog at www.velveteenrabbi.com) has to say about it: “Literally, the name means "the 33rd day of the Omer." -- remember, "counting the Omer" means counting the 49 days between Pesach and Shavuot. Once upon a time, we counted the days between spring planting and spring harvest. More recently, we think in terms of counting the days between liberation and revelation, because we understand freedom not only as freedom-from but also freedom-toward.”

Other people celebrate the holiday with outings, bonfires and bows and arrows. Why a bonfire? The bonfire signifies the great light that came into the world with Rabbi Shimon. Additionally, the Zohar says that on the day Rabbi Shimon died, a great light of endless joy filled the day because of the secret wisdom he revealed to his students. That secret wisdom was recorded in the Zohar. The sun did not set until Rabbi Shimon had revealed all he was allowed to reveal, and as soon as he was finished, the sun set and he died. Supposedly a fire surrounded the house preventing any but Rabbi Shimon's closest students from approaching; this serves as another basis for the custom of lighting bonfires on Lag b'Omer.

As for the bows and arrows, some say that relates back to a plague that occurred during the Counting of the Omer. Supposedly, Lag b’Omer also commemorates the end of a plague that raged amongst the disciples of the great sage Rabbi Akiva "because they did not act respectfully towards each other" during the weeks between Passover and Shavuot. This time period, therefore, is observed as a period of mourning, with various joyous activities proscribed by law and custom. However, on Lag b’Omer, the dying ceased. That might be why children observe Lag b'Omer by playing with bows and arrows, a way of remembering the students who fought amongst themselves. (Rabbi Shimon was one of Rabbi Akiva's students who survived the plague.)

Barenblatt tells a different story: “Some say that what [Lag b’Omer is] really about is, Rabbi Akiva supported the Bar Kokhba revolt against Roman occupation. Many of his students followed him in supporting that revolt, and were killed. The so-called "plague" which ended on Lag b'Omer is a euphemism for the ill-fated rebellion. (In that case, kids play with bows and arrows as a symbolic re-enactment of the fight against Roman oppression.)”

Lastly, some people say that the manna which fell from heaven during the Israelites' wanderings in the desert began to fall on the 18th of Iyar, which is the 33rd day of the Omer, so maybe Lag b’Omer celebrates that.

This brings us to Shavuot, which falls on May 29 this year, the second of the three major festivals (Passover being the first and Sukkot the third). This holiday occurs exactly 50 days after the second day of Passover and marks the anniversary of the day when the Jews received the Torah at Mount Sinai.

The word "Shavuot" means "weeks." It marks the completion of the seven-week counting period – the Counting of the Omer – between Passover and Shavuot. During these seven weeks the Jewish people cleansed themselves of the scars of Egyptian slavery and became a holy nation ready to enter into an eternal covenant with God with the giving of the Torah. Every year on the holiday of Shavuot, Jews reenact this historic moment. God re-gives the Torah, and Jews lovingly reaccept it and reenter into their covenant with God.

I like thinking of Moses also receiving the oral mystical teachings of the Kabbalah on that day. All the wisdom inherent in Judaism was revealed on that mountain, and we are told that all the souls of all the Jews then and now were present at that time. What an awesome vision.